What is Good Therapy?

When I was a kid growing up in the 70s and 80s, psychotherapy was not yet mainstream, and I thought that it was something strange and uncomfortable that grown ups did when they were getting divorced. In college I struggled with depression (retroactively self-diagnosed), and sought out therapy at the college counseling center. I had one or two sessions, but came away feeling that the therapist did not really get how much I was struggling. It was only later that I encountered friends who had been in consistent therapy; they seemed psychologically sophisticated and resilient.

After a period of exploring meditation as a solution to suffering, I sought out therapy again, feeling that I needed something that would more actively engage my emotional and relational struggles. This time, my therapist was empathetic and connected. Being able to talk with someone who cared about my struggles and supported me in challenging myself was a game changer. He was also a meditator who understood the utility and limitations of mindfulness. He helped me understand how I could use a contemplative perspective to actively engage in my life and relationships. This therapy encapsulated a few of the ways that therapy works: by creating a safe, empathetic space in which to speak about one's struggles, by using techniques to work with afflictions of the mind, and by providing an important relationship through which to work on interpersonal dynamics.

When I was training at the Smith College School for Social Work and at Cambridge Hospital, which were psychodynamically-oriented programs, I decided I needed to find a psychodynamically-trained therapist. While psychodynamic psychotherapy can be seen as a depth therapy that seeks to heal deep emotional wounds, I found that simply talking about early experiences and challenges did not facilitate much healing. Instead it was the relational connection with this therapist that was most helpful to me as I was in the process of developing as a therapist myself.

It was not until I discovered Internal Family Systems, and found a therapist trained in this modality, that I started to experience the potential for deeper healing. For me that healing was mostly a gradual process. Particularly helpful for me was a more visceral understanding of---and appreciation for---parts of myself that felt conflicted regarding relationships and my direction in life. Just bringing more awareness and understanding to these parts seemed to free up both my capacity to be in relationship and my ability to focus on more "grown up" aspects of life.

Thus began my exploration of and training in IFS, which I consider a "non-dual" therapy---in other words, a therapy that doesn't judge one aspect of ourselves to be better than another. IFS works to create true safety and the potential for deep understanding, rather than trying to get rid of aspects of ourselves we don't like. I trained with Richard Schwartz, the originator of IFS, and with Toni Herbine-Blank, who applies IFS to couple therapy through her system called Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO). Both are master therapists who demonstrate a truly non-judgemental and welcoming space for people to bring their suffering. From them I learned to facilitate clients' innate capacity to meet various forms of suffering with healing energy.

In IFS this innate capacity for healing is called Self Energy, which manifests in qualities such as "The 8 Cs": curiosity, compassion, calm, creativity, clarity, confidence, connectedness and courage. When these qualities are present, we have the capacity to welcome and more deeply understand all aspects of personality, however problematic they may seem. And such a welcoming environment creates a truly safe space in which deep healing can happen.